Some days I don’t just feel it, I bath in it, I dunk my head below the surface and let it soak into my pores until, like your skin pruning I have soaked in it to lone, at this point it doesn’t wash over me like water and leave me feeling clean. Instead it clings to my skin like tar.
But even then I don’t let myself free, I smear it all over myself making sure there is no chance of escape from the putrid cocoon it creates. Feeling a sick comfort in it’s all encompassing embrace, fulfilling that which I cannot find in the outside world, often I don’t fight it but embrace with open arms almost like it is overdue and after recognizing it and our normal ritual I curl up in bed with it still on my skin and retreat into acceptance under the covers with a hope that in the morning it will be gone, lost to the night like so many things.
At times it stains me for days on end, I cover it over at work and in the general public but in the moments alone it is there just waiting. I let it rip into the skin and draw blood not physically but emotionally, attacking all my insecurities and drawing them to the surface. Often this is not because it needs to but because I can’t help but flagellate myself with it, to hold it over myself as punishment.
To the outside world my mustache, jovial nature and smile make it invisible, but it is not a complete camouflage, those who know how to gently peer round the facade see it but quick as a flash it is normally hidden from sight, faster enough least to avoid real suspicion, faster enough to avoid the real questions and for them to just think I am pondering or having a bad day.
Some days I wonder what it would look and feel like for me to just curl up in the corner and cry, or breakdown in a meeting in front of everyone. I imagine that like a kid feeling guilty for something and getting caught, it would be a welcome release, to rip myself open and throw my loneliness across the room for all to see. However, it wouldn’t change anything it would be a temporary reprieve, I am under no illusion that to change my position in life I have to own the changes in my life that are necessary in there multitude and significance.
For now I exist in a constant flip flop, between feeling extremely connected to some people and extremely alone. I can stand in a crowd, be surround by friends, chasing a sunrise, crashing through waves on a yacht or doing a million things but at best they are a temporary reprieves. I try at times to stitch the together to extend the reprieve to remind myself what not being lonely looks like in a hope that I will further imitate and in time align with those behaviors but it is exhausting.
Whats scariest to me is that it didn’t used to be this way, yes I was always different and didn’t quite fit always ahead or behind my peers, depending on perspective. Always slightly strange, always feeling things in a depth that warrants strong actions but when I act on it, it unnerves people, so I don’t I hold back my natural grandiosity and tame myself to just outside accepted norms.
One area where people do value my time is in council, maybe it is a reflection of who I am and how I act but I find myself asking “Why am I always the council and not the company”, people are comfortable telling me there deepest secrets, of showing me there dark corners, or of wanting my input and advice on there lives on there progression through life, but they don’t want that person to just chill or spend time with, I am always present with a purpose. What happened to the care free fun in me, when did I become so ugly.
For now I continue to fight, to cling onto the light, tomorrow is a new day and it is mine for the taking, if I can just get myself out of bed dressed and caffeinated anything or so I am told is possible.
Some days that means stoking the inner viking inside me, of charging myself full or raw survival energy facing the wind, rain and seas. Or setting off to find a new dawn, a new place to see the sunrise a new to feel it’s warmth bath my skin in fresh light, to smell a different fresh sea air or crisp morning dew. Of having that chance warm encounter with a complete stranger in the most unexpected of places.
Other days it is the simple pleasures, the cosy coffee shop round the corner, where I read about the adventures I dream of whilst watching the weather roll by, or eating out, for whilst I have always been lonely I have never been afraid of doing things alone. Often because finding people who will actually take the leap of joining me is hard, but I keep hope that one day someone will want to join me on all the adventures.
Here’s to putting the left foot in front of the right no matter how you feel, of continuing in hope to stitch the temporary reprieves together to create a better existence.
Context
The above comes from me feeling lonely earlier this week, and the conversations with friends and family that followed it. I realized I had never put to words how I at times feel and it seemed a good descriptive writing exercise.
I think most people feel lonely at times during there lives, and whilst not aesthetic or nice like my normal traveling posts I think it is important to talk about all parts of life.
For clarity I am alright, I am standing in a Carbon Kopi a place that serves some of the best over the counter pick me ups in it’s fantastic selection of award winning ever changing filter coffees.
I am now going to go back to writing up my journey to the Scilly isles, hopefully I will finish and share it soon, with all the amazing photos I have to go with it.
LazyModernTraveler 